In sports, on any given Sunday, the lowest ranking team might rise up and hand you your star quarterback’s head on a plate. Anything can happen. It’s why you play the game – fantasy or otherwise.

In PR, it isn’t supposed to be that way. Every day, you are supposed to put your game face on, and get the best players on the field and execute.

Well … that’s not what went down at Chicago’s ESPN Zone when I popped in the other night — an announced visit — to check out the wireless Internet.

For the record, I first visited an NZone in Orlando, about 8 years ago, before PingWi-Fi was even Xs and Os on the chalk board. On that visit, I was more concerned with climbing indoor rock walls, throwing footballs at mechanical wide-outs and letting my clients win all of the head-to-head competition.

This time I was in the Zone for one reason – to check out the Wi-Fi hotpot – at the suggestion of a well meaning PR pro. In his defense, his game plan was to set me up with a regional manager to go over the ESPNZ strategies. But, there were scheduling conflicts, and we couldn’t meet.

I entered the Zone anyway, laptop tucked under my arm and grabbed a table near a plug, just to the left of the huge Jumbotron-esque sports screens. As I was powering up, I suffered through a long drawn-out explanation on the firing of the Oakland Raider’s coach. The big screen was not kind to the team owner … From there, things went south.

The ESPN retail staff downstairs and the restaurant wait staff upstairs pretty much had no idea about the “where and why” regarding their access point. I looked for the hotspot on my PC, on my iPhone and on my Blackberry 8820. I pretty much brought in everything but the place kicker trying to score. No luck. A few minutes later my waitress came over, and I told her that I was there to check out the Wi-Fi.

“Now we’re getting somewhere,” I thought as she told me that I would have to have “the card.” (When she said card, I envisioned those big, laminated spreadsheets that coaches hold on the sidelines – listing all of their plays – the cards they also use to hide their mouths from lip-reading cheaters.) It wasn’t like that. She brought me a small, colorful, business -looking card with the instructions.

Great. Now, this should be easy.

Okay, I ask you, “How many of you Wi-Fi enthusiasts out there know how to change the SSID settings on your laptop?” Well … that was step one. I have been to Wi-FI hotspots in at least 45 major cities now. That is probably the second time someone has asked me to mess with settings on my machine. Frankly when someone asks me to monkey with my IT pro’s stuff … it makes me want to take that (bleep) card with those (bleep) instructions and (bleep) the entire thing until it (bleeps).

False Start at ESPN Zone

Usually … knowing how cranky I am, I would just say “no way.” This time, in a moment of good sportsmanship, I decided to give it a try. I had to search “HELP” on my computer to get the instructions. It had been a long time … I viewed available networks, selected ADD, typed in the ESPN Zone SSID and opened my browser.

Nothing – goose eggs on the scoreboard. I reread. Oh, I had used FireFox in my failed attempt. This time, I sent in the subs – so to speak. I executed. I opened the Internet Explorer browser – with the same results. Next, I moved around the restaurant and tried several locations.

Well … I thought maybe I would just grab a bite. I asked my second wait person what he thought of one of the pizzas. He didn’t think much of it and recommended several restaurants down the street for pizza. Well … I gotta respect a person for honesty. And after all … this is Chicago where pizza is like right up there with Ditka. He said, with authority, the Wi-FI also was not their forte.

That was that. I had seen enough. If this scenario had played out on Monday Night Football, I probably would have turned it over to “Dancing WithThe Former Football Players” or whatever. This was the point where the game was so one-sided you put in the “water person” to avoid being accused of running up the score or messing with the oddsmakers …

I called it. We’ve seen enough. Mercy rule … like they still have in six-man football.

So, in summary, I feel terrible that this appointment turned out so poorly. I don’t want to make anyone look bad, or regret contacting me for a review. But, it is my job to have a little fun with it.

The good news – ESPN Zone lives to fight another day. There will be better days I am sure, and perhaps we can have a rematch later in the season. So “keep you’re head up.”

Sorry ESPN Zone … you “threw up a brick” … “the kick sailed wide right” … you “choked on the putt” … and “that dog won’t hunt” – 1 ping, 1 ping only. Dang! In football, if you get tackled behind your own goal line at least somebody gets two points.

Know what I sayin?